Huzzah! Yet another day has passed that the cat did not shit in my bed!
O fortunate day this is that I have wearily climbed into mine bed for a well deserved slumber and, upon peeling back the eiderdown covers, discovered much to my surprise and elation that the cat did not shit in my bed once again! Tis nary been a fortnight since that fateful day the creature had taken upon itself to hunch knowingly tween my linens and squeeze out a turd in protest over my tardiness in serving supper the evening prior. Yet the memory still sets fresh in my brain, like a glistening dump stealthily laid by a cat scorned one too many times with promises to sup at eight o’clock when only to dine fifteen minutes subsequent. Oft had I erred on this matter, but twas the final straw, and the erstwhile tolerant cat was finally moved to punish me swiftly and without remorse for my transgression.
The soft squish of that most intentional gift beneath my buttocks as I blindly laid my weary bones upon the bed was burned into my psyche, like a branding iron in the shape of a thick, spiral’d pile of fetid cat dung pressed into the delicate grey folds of my greater cortex. I would sooner be thrashed upon by a thousand stones until I lay a broken and lifeless heap than willingly hoist myself into the soupy butt mess of my temperamental feline companion once again — thus caution has been my ally and vigilance my companion every eve that I durst to retire to my chambers for rest.
So hurrah and good day it is that upon careful inspection, the beast did not visit its vengeful hind quarters upon this humble bunk, and drop a deuce betwixt my sheets! I shall be sleeping well knowing that I have staved off the wrath of my cat’s revenging ass til the morrow, but I do so knowing that the future cannot be certain, and upon the next morn my bed may be subjected to the scourge of my rancorous cat and its apoplectic colon once more.
But that is a worry for another day. For now, dear friends, I sleepst the sleep of a man free of cat shit for one night more, so good evening to you, and God bless.
